Dont try to hide it
by Litra-Palia14
Summary: Merlin s past and present are t appealing to anyone with a sane mind. Struggling trough it all and moving to Camelot into Albion high-school he meets Arthur. Not with such a enviable life either, Merlin becomes the person Arthur talks to. Will Merlin open up to Arthur? Or will Arthur have to figure out Merlin by himself?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi…I literally have a whole day to do nothing and rather than doing that (since I don't really have the draft of the story I`m currently doing) I decided I should write another yet again one of my ridiculous attempts in a One-Shot. So, don`t expect much from it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin in any sane or non weird way.**

**This is not going to be a slash story but you could take it as one if you like or see it from well, that point of view… I just want to know how it feels like to write non slash or well anything without an attempt in romance added in it. **

This, this is what it all had come down to… he felt nothing as another trace of blood crossed his skin. He had hoped it would make him forget all the pain inside but it still did`t help. Another hopeless attempt in feeling better. He still tried because there were times when his body was kind enough to make him feel but; not his time.

Merlin looked up from his wrist at the sunset from his window as he sighed. The only thing that seemed to make him calm down was the sound of the waves in the sea. He had hoped it was all a bad dream and that he did`t have to go but reality was always cruel…the only place that made him feel sane and he had to leave it behind.

Merlin did not turn around at the sound of footsteps. "Come on lad. Time waits for no-one." Gaius took one of Merlin's bags to get it to the car. "I`ll wait for you in the car." He said and as he heard the footsteps fade away he felt a tear go down his cheek.

Merlin went down the hall and to the left he turned as he slowly picked through the crack in the door. There were no lights on in the room all pitch black. But he still felt someone move inside. "Bye father…" He said low and weary and before he had a chance at closing the door again a cry in frustration was heard after a crystal bottle was thrown at the door force enough to shut it. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Those words made his chest hurt a bit but he had heard them so many times already; that he tried not to think much about it.

It had been a slow and silent ride to Gaius house. Through the whole way there Gaius tried not to make obvious stares of pity at Merlin but, no matter how much he tried Merlin felt the stare pierce trough his skin.

His wrists Gaius didn`t know about that no-one did not that he had anyone to tell them about to as he had no friends. But he made note to hide them. It was already bad as it was with the stares of pity from people that knew him gave him. It was better this way no-one knew him in Camelot or in the school he was going to.

He didn`t want people to pity him.

All the scars he did nothing to have where hidden under his clothes and the ones on his neck where hidden under that neckerchief the others made fun of at school. Even those people had looked at him in the eye when it happened in pity. The one thing they did not know was that he was the reason that his mother was dead. If he never had been born the way he had been then maybe things would have been different; just maybe.

"We are here." Said Gaius as he parked the car in front of an average sized house. Too big for one person but happy it would be just the two of them he would have his own room and he could be alone whenever he felt like it. "Thanks." He murmured and took of his seat belt.

"Get washed up and settle down in your room tomorrow you start school." Gaius replied.

He felt a pang of nostalgia wash over him as he entered the house.

He had come here before in vacation twice. Once when he was 7 and last year. His room was in the second floor the last room at the end of the hallway a weird place for a door but he liked it; like it was expecting him to come.

He went up the stairs and opened the door.

He laughed at the memories it brought. On one of his first nights there he had sleep walked. Gaius told him he had hear something in the hall and when he opened the door to check he had seen some pale figure open the last room in the hall and he slammed the door shot swearing he had just witnessed a ghost to the just find out it had been Merlin sleep walking on the third night there. It had cost him a heart attack but he had found out it had been him and not that his house was infected by roaming souls.

Suicide Merlin had never tough of it. He had self harmed when things got real tough but he had never even considered suicide. To be honest it scared him. What if when he died he didn't go to heaven or hell but just stayed roaming around like a lost soul with no purpose. He was scared of ghosts like any other but it sacred him even more the tough of becoming one.

The next day when he finally woke up after a restless night he took whatever cloth covered his body and arms most. He felt like a coward, hiding who he was but, the stares he would get would be even worse.

When he entered the classroom he sat down beside a dark skinned kind looking girl. She had presented herself as Gwen and she had talked to him a bit. In reality it had been more a monologue with just him nodding and smiling at her she had been real nice but he really didn`t wanted to be close to anyone right now so when she asked him to take lunch with her and Freya he had declined the offer telling her he wasn`t feeling well and wasn`t hungry.

He had found out there was a roof in the school and even though he wasn`t supposed to be there, there wasn`t anyone seeing or checking wherever someone went up or not and so when the bell rang he bought lunch and climbed up the stairs to the roof. When he opened the door wind went through his face and a sense of calmness overcame him. He suddenly felt sleepy closing the door behind him he sat down and placed his things round him and started to eat the food he had bought.

On his second day Gwen offered him to buy him lunch but he kindly declined again going again to the roof top but this time when he closed the door behind him he wasn`t the only one there. A blonde haired guy was leaning on the edge of the building looking down. For the first few minutes he just ignored him and went to sat down like the day before but after 5 minutes had passed by the blond leaned a bit more and a bit more and a bit more until one of his shoes wasn`t touching the ground anymore.

"No!"Merlin acted on instinct the next thing he knew he had rushed over the blond and pulled him backwards and they both fell flat on their backs. "What the…" The blond turned and glared at Merlin. "Do you make that a habit?!" The blond growled at him. "What?" Merlin asked confused heart still beating fast on his chest.

"Scaring the hell out of people!"The blond one spat out. "No. But is not every day I see someone trying to end their life. And trust me it felt nothing like heaven either."

"Why do you care?" The blond frowned and stood up. "That doesn't matter; I care for whatever the hell I want to. You can`t just throw your life away like that! Think about those that would miss you and cry for you!" Merlin glared at him standing up too.

"He doesn't care…and the other`s let them grief my death!" Arthur spat back the last part. "And then what?" Merlin Asked. "After you die they will just move one. The world will not stop because you died you know. You are alive embrace it and to hell with those that don`t like it."

The blonde stood there for a moment in silence staring at Merlin and then said. "There`s something about you…that I can`t quite put my finger on…"


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Gwen and him had, had their usual talk but she hadn`t asked him to go join her at lunch preferring that if Merlin wanted to come he would and to let him be for the time being.

Merlin like usual had gone to the roof top and sat down in his now familiar spot. To his surprise blondie had apparently followed him there. "Hi…" Merlin looked up from his lunch at the blond guy and looked around him confused and poi ted at himself in disbelief. "Me?"

"Yeah, you." He said giving him a weird face back. "You are not going to try and die again are you? Because I`m not ready for another heart attack." The blond gave a sad smile at the comment and replied: "No."

"What are you doing here then?" Merlin asked raisin an eyebrow at him, biting on his sandwich. "I- I… don`t know." He admitted.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?" He sat down beside Merlin. "Yesterday." Merlin said flatly not looking at the blonds' reaction even though he could feel him stiffen up beside him. "No." He replied after a sigh. "You wouldn`t understand…"He murmured under his breath.

"Try me."

"Do you ever wonder why you were born?"

Merlin was left with his mouth open about to take a bite but decided on lowering his sandwich and after a few moments of silence he responded. "I believe everyone has a purpose in life no matter how little and insignificant it may be." After he responded and decided it was a good moment not to choke at another question and took a bite. For most of lunch they sat in silence and Merlin offered the blond half of his sandwich which he practically swallowed whole. When the bell rang they both stood up and before Merlin left the other stopped him. "My name is Arthur by the way. Arthur Pendragon." He extended his hand at Merlin.

"I`m Merlin; Merlin Emrys." He smiled and shook Arthur's hand.

After a week it became something usual. Merlin would go to the roof and Arthur would be there to steal his food. They stayed there talking and not talking about anything at all. Arthur was a prat that was one of the things Merlin had learned about him the hard way.

After that day they didn`t talked about why Arthur was considering ending his life but Merlin didn`t pushed him either. If Arthur was going to tell him he wanted it not to be because he forced him but because he wanted to.

When the weekend finally came Merlin felt suffocated. These last few days he had been able to push all of those things in the back of his mind trying to forget about them, but he had been able to do that thanks to Arthur.

Now that he had no-one to distract him he didn`t know what to do. Nightmares haunted him at night and so he was afraid to close his eyes. He had lost his appetite again and he felt empty.

Maybe he was a masochist; he was now in front of his old house miles away from Camelot. He had come because he missed the place and wanted to see it but he couldn`t go without seeing his father. He needed to know he was ok.

As he entered the house it reeked of alcohol. His father was on the floor with a bottle of beer broken beside him. "Father!" Merlin rushed beside him. The man looked disoriented. His eyes went backwards and his head leaned to the side.

Merlin took him to bed using his magic to help him lift him. He hadn`t used it since his mother died…it had been 2 weeks now and even though it hadn`t been long it felt like an eternity to him. It was a part of him no matter what others tough of it.

After 4 hours Merlin woke up to the sound of cursing. "What the hell are you doing here!?" Balinor pointed at Merlin with a bottle of wine long gone. "I-I…" Merlin looked at him wide eyed.

"What? Came here to kill me too?!" He made a twisted smile at him. "No, I was-"

"Don`t talk back to me you insolent child!" He threw the bottle at Merlin which missed him by chance.

Merlin was trembling, afraid. He felt trapped all over again. All his life since he was 10 like this and he had been weakened by leaving he had gotten used to not being hit and now he was afraid, he got used on not having to be afraid and he had gotten weak. "I`m sorry-" A tear went down his cheek as he sniffed and tried to hold back a more of them because whenever he cried- "Crying now are you not?" Balinor- "I`ll give you something to cry about." got angrier.

But now-

Balinor reached to his pocket and took out a lighter.

It was too late…

When he had gotten out of there the side of his belly hurt more than he tough possible. But he had been lucky to get out with only that…last time his neck had been involved and it hadn`t been a burn. It had been a very ugly cut that had scared…

On Monday he didn`t go to school, nor did he on Tuesday or Wednesday. Those days he had spent them locked in his room crying in pain. His excuse to Gaius being he didn`t felt well.

He hadn`t cut again since he left but images playing all over again in his head where too much to bare; and then again just one cut, after another after another after another. They filled his wrist with blood. He didn`t felt any better, but then he started to think in the people with worst life's, those that were happy with less than he had.

In Arthurs wish to die.

He just hoped he wasn`t a fool enough like him to self harm. Because once you started it felt almost impossible to stop.

When he finally went back to school on Thursday Gwen asked him why he hadn`t come. He just shrugged it off saying he hadn`t felt well. He was actually glad that the only people he knew were Gwen and Arthur so that people wouldn`t drown him in questions. But when lunch came Arthur was already in the roof waiting for him. "Where were you?" Arthur glared at him.

Merlin raised an eye brow at him. "I was in class Arthur." He rolled his eyes. "That`s not what I meant and you know it." He hissed back and Merlin did know of what he was talking about. "Why didn`t you come this last few days?! I waited for you here all of those days! If you didn`t come today I was actually going to steal your personal information from the office and go to your house! Do you know how it feels to not eat lunch for 3 days straight!?"

"Yeah, I missed you too." Merlin smiled in return knowing the meaning behind Arthur`s lines.

"Talking about eating have you been eating? You look skinner and paler than usual. You should eat more if you get anymore skinnier you will disappear." Arthur frowned at him. "Yes, mom." Merlin rolled his eyes. He had lied yeah, but it had been a white lie it couldn`t hurt anyone.

"Hey Merlin." Arthur said in between bites. "Would you still like me if I was a murderer?" Merlin choked at the question. "What did you kill someone?!" Merlin`s eyes went wide.

Arthur laughed at his reaction and replied. "No, you idiot. But would you?" Merlin nodded. "Yeah but tell me before hand so they don`t have evidence and you don`t get thrown into jail."

When it was time to leave school Merlin didn`t really felt like going straight home as he passed beside a park he spotted a familiar head, a familiar blond head. He approached it and asked: "Arthur?" He frowned.

Arthur not seeing him jumped startled. "God Merlin don`t do that!"

"Sorry…" He smiled at him sheepishly. "And wipe that stupid grin of your face…"

"What are you doing here?" Merlin asked Arthur. "I could say the same." Merlin crossed his arms around his chest as Arthur seated on a bench with food on a bag under a tiny open wooden place adorned with wild flowers in the middle of the park. Arthur sighed in frustration and gave in. "I don`t usually eat at home, study at home or do anything but sleep and bath there." He admitted to Merlin that seated beside him stealing a chip from his bag.

"Why?"

"Why are you so interested?" Arthur asked slightly irritated with the questions.

"Look I do not want you to tell me if you don`t want to but, I`m your friend right? If you need anyone to talk about this to you can come to me." Merlin said as he took a bite from Arthur`s hamburger. "Yeah, sure trust the person that`s stealing my food…"

"Why not? I trust you." Merlin smiled at him.

"Touché." Arthur took the hamburger from Merlin and looked at him in the eye. "You are a riddle Merlin…"

"You know there are times when you smile but it doesn't quite reach your eyes and it looks slightly sad." Arthur said taking a bite from his hamburger. "Are you going to tell me the real reason on why you didn`t come this last few days? Because Merlin, You are a horrible liar."

That had been something he had heard before. Mostly from Gaius…

"Maybe…another time." Was all he could reply.


	3. Chapter 3

Next day morning Merlin hadn't know why but he felt like passing through the park they had been at yesterday. When he did he hadn`t been expecting what he saw or heard.

"You idiot! This is all you fault! Just like everything else is! It had been better if you hadn`t been born! Mom would still be alive!" The next thing he heard was a dark hared woman storm out of the house slamming the door behind her.

When Arthur came out of it face red as if he had been slapped he realized he had heard something he had no right to. Then Arthur's eyes met with Merlin's and just like that Arthur stormed away.

When lunch came Merlin started to worry that Arthur might not come today. After he settle down he gave up and started to eat his half of the lunch and just then Arthur closed the door behind him. "God Arthur!" Merlin jumped startled. "Now you know how it feels." He said as he approached Merlin.

"About this morning-"

"It's ok Arthur you don`t have to tell me if you don`t want to." Merlin cut him off. "NO, no; I want to tell you." Merlin nodded him to continue as Arthur sat down across him. "What`s your story?" Merlin asked like it was something usual, an everyday occurrence. "My mother, she died having me..." Arthur said almost in a whisper. "My father can`t stand looking at my face because he says I look like her and Morgana well, she hate`s me...she says I took her away from her."

Merlin did`t know what to say to him. He tough hearing his troubles would make Arthur feel better, now that he had someone to tell this to but...then what? What was he supposed to do? He did`t know how to react but then, he tough of what he would like Arthur to react like if he told him anything then... "Arthur, I don`t know what you have been told. But, your mother loved you."

Arthur`s reaction, he looked at the sky to not see it as tempting as it was he knew Arthur wash`t one to cry infront of others. Much like him then..."How can you know and say that?" Arthur asked voice broken; it made Merlin`s heart hurt to even hear it. "Because she gave birth to you, her love to you was unconditional no matter what you may think of it. She loved you and she always will. She would be sad if you took your life away because of her, you can`t do that to her."

"Sorry, I-I`m sorry..."

Merlin could`t even think of a crying Arthur but, he probably should have seen this coming. Who would`t break down with a situation like that. He had been strong enough for too long. Merlin came to Arthur`s side and started stoking his head. "Everything thing is going to be alright."

This...this. He had no words for this. Right now he wanted to smack Arthur in the head so hard people would start questioning their relationship. "ARTHUR GET DOWN FRON THERE RIGHT NOW." He had no idea where the words he had told Arthur had gone to but it certainly was`t to his head. "Arthur how many times do I have to say it to get it into that thick skull of yours! This-" He said gesturing the place. "is not going to solve anything."

"Maybe, but it isn`t like I have anything to live for." Arthur said back looking down from where he was standing at the fast flow of the water under the bridge. "and it in`t like anyone cares either."

The bridge they were in was not far from the park they had been in the day before but it was just as deserted. "I care!" Merlin yelled back. "No you don`t."

"You can`t tell me how to feel!" Merlin spat back getting closer to him. "If you jump," Merlin climbed and stood beside Arthur. "I`ll jump with you."

There was no way Merlin was that much of an idiot. No-one was. He had nothing, what was so great about living anyways the only good thing that had probably happened to him in this past year before he started resembling his mother and Morgana had comeback to live with them had probably been meeting Merlin...Merlin in the other hand had to have something or someone in his life he would`t end it just because he would.

Arthur closed his eyes and leaned forward. He looked as he fell backwards expecting to see Merlin up there staring down at him. But no...

His eyes went wide as he saw Merlin fall with him and then everything went black.

That idiot...

As he opened his eyes he started coughing. He coughed none stop for a while and after he calmed down his heart started beating faster in realization.

"Merlin."

He could`t find him anywhere. Merlin, the idiot that made him panic when he wash`t at school,

Where was he...?

the one that could get a smile out of him, the one who laughed at his ridiculous jokes.

He could`t find him.

Merlin, the one that made him want to live, the one that made him want to stay alive...

"Where are you...? You can`t leave me here alone..." his eyes started to get watery and he could hardly breath. His eyes felt hot and his heart beat increased by minute. If he had-

"No, this can`t be right..." Merlin would never leave him. Merlin was`t supposed to leave him he can't leave him!

"Arthur!" He heard a familiar voice call from behind him and as he turned he could make a face out of it. His clothes where all wet and he was carrying a folded towel and he had another one around his neck. "You are awake!" Merlin trowed him a towel he barely catch. "Arthur, are you ok?" Merlin asked as he got closer to him.

"I`m bloody well not!" He screamed at him standing up. "I tough you where dead!" Arthur scowled at him. "Don`t just dissapear right after you jump of a bridge with someone! You gave me a heart attack!"

"Uhum, So are you going t tell me WHY THE HELL YOU ALMOST DIED!" Merlin yelled at him.

"And you idiot I can`t believe you actually jumped! Why did you do that, you could have died!" Arthur ignored Merlin`s protests. "So could have you..." Merlin spat back.

"Why did you do that? Didn`t you say not to end your life like that?!"

"Or any way actually. Why? Because I can`t forgive you if you die before me. "

"Why?" Asked Arthur raising his eye sight do he could face Merlin.

"Because then I would have one less person to live for..."

"Merlin, I`m-" sorry...I won`t do that again. Those words he didn`t say were stuck in his throat but Merlin cought them. How could he have been so slefish?! Now that he though about it what was Merlins story?


	4. Chapter 4

**And for the final chapter my people!**

**Hey; weird question but; Haven't you ever accidentally wrote Arthur instead of Author or said Arthur instead of Author? Because it has to me and it`s becoming a daily occurrence...I have a theory it`s a decease that comes along with being a Merlin fan O.O ! ! !  
**

2 days...it had been 2 days again he was`t going to get away with this.

When Merlin opened the door to the roof top Arthur was waiting again like last time with a glare on his face. When Merlin closed the door and turned around to Arthur the first thing he said was: "Is this going to be like some kind of habit?! Because I can already tell you I don`t like it!"

"Sorry..." Was all Merlin had close to a come back.

They sat down and they eat in silence it wasn't an uncomfortable silence it was all the opposite quite nice and comforting actually.

Then before he knew it his mind drifted back to the past 2 days. He had`t meant to it just happened. He found out they had arrested his father for driving drunk killing 2 people in the accident not to mention they had come to Gaius house to ask him questions before they actually did anything...he knew how that had gone. They had probably arrested him for what he had done to him radder that for the accident, no actually he knew. He had heard of other not getting arrested for the same things so he knew why it had happened.

And the thing was he had`t been able to bring himself to care. He felt guilty and then free, guilty again...Why did he felt so heartless? He knew it was`t in him to feel happy for the unfortunate things that had happened to his father but he could`t bring himself to stop smiling. To not think "I don`t have to see him anymore." "I don`t have to feel trapped anymore." "I don`t have anyone I fear anymore." and more importantly "I don`t have anyone close to me that can remind me of the past."

Then he felt how wrong those toughs ere he had no right to feel like that... Just like his father had said he should have never been born...at least not this way. "Merlin?" Arthur called his name worry could be heard in his voice. "Merlin...?" Merlin the snapped out of it and looked at Arthur. "Yeah?"

"Why are you crying?" He had`t noticed the hot tears that fell from his eyes not until now; maybe it would had stayed like that if Arthur hand`t told him about them; he tried to stop them but they just kept coming. "I-I..." Merlin sniffed and tried to not hiccup "I don`t know." tough he failed at it.

Arthur sighed. "Merlin, don`t try to hide it. I know you cut." Merlin looked back at Arthur wide eyed. "I have known for a while; well since the bridge in the park thing actually..."Arthur brought himself close to Merlin and placed his arm on Merlin`s shoulder bringing him close to him. "You can tell me you know. I find it highly unfair; you know everything about me and for me to hardly even know who you live with."

When Merlin calmed down he started to think about Arthur`s request... "It`s kind of a long story..."

"We have all day..."

"The bell sounds in 10 minutes." Merlin gave him a questioning brow. "If you go into the classroom looking like this they will think I was bullying you or something."

Merlin sighed in defeat. "Fine." He stayed silent trying to figure out how he was going to tell Arthur anything at all. Then he said what seemed to be the most easy way to start saying things: "You know those people that are born cursed?" Arthur frowned at him. "Cursed? You mean the ones that can do magic?" Merlin nodded. He took a breath in and murmured. "I can do magic." Merlin did`t looked at Arthur to see his reaction he did`t wanted to. What if he hated- "I don`t think they are cursed. Society rejects them because they are stronger and different. If you tough I would hate you Merlin . You were wrong it takes more than that to get rid of me." Arthur smiled at him and Merlin returned it.

"My mother died." Merlin continued. "Because of me."

"She died giving birth to you?" Arthur raised an eye brow in disbelieve. "No, she committed suicide because she radder die than continue living with me." Merlin said sounding more bitter than he intended. "My father had always being an alcoholic and he had always abused of me. When my mother died about 4 weeks ago I came here to move in with Gaius. I could`t take it anymore; I felt like a coward I was running away but I hated being and feeling trapped. 2 days ago my father got arrested and I felt happy about it even tough I knew it was wrong to feel such way I could`t help but to feel that way and the rest is history I guess. Do you still think I`m not cursed?"

Arthur was in loss of words...what was he supposed to say? Now he felt weak for wanting to commit suicide for such trivial matters. He had lived this long and it was because Merlin had given him the courage to. But then what about Merlin? Who was helping him? He had no-one telling him everything was going to be alright. He had, Merlin had been there. But then what about him who was there for him? Merlin needed someone more than he did.

Then something hit Arthur. _"Arthur, I don`t know what you have been told. But, your mother loved you."Arthur`s reaction, he looked at the sky to not see it as tempting as it was he knew Arthur was`t one to cry in-front of others. Much like him then..."How can you know and say that?" Arthur asked voice broken; it made Merlin`s heart hurt to even hear it. "Because she gave birth to you, her love to you was unconditional no matter what you may think of it. She loved you and she always will. She would be sad if you took your life away because of her, you can`t do that to her." _How could he even stand saying that with his mouth!? It made Arthur sick to watch a person like Merlin go trough all that. It started to sound ridiculous how much of a good person Merlin was, it made no sense ! How could he be like that with such a crap of a past?! If he did`t knew Merlin`s mother was dead he might have killed her personally after he showed her how much good of a person Merlin was! How could Merlin think so lowly of himself!? It made him feel sick, if he wanted to keep Merlin out of harms way before there was no way to describe how protective of him he was feeling right now.

Arthur's grip on Merlin had tightened and he hand`t know he still had his arm around Merlin if he hand`t done so. "You are not cursed. I doubt that a cursed person would stop me from killing myself from-" Arthur was cut of by the sound of snoring when he looked down at Merlin he found he had been fast asleep. Arthur glared at the body beside him. "You idiot...I`m here trying to make you feel better and you pay me back by drooling on me?!"

"Shut up Arthur." Merlin murmured in his sleep eyes closed. Arthur sighed he did`t know what life had planned ahead of him but, if it was going to help him protect the little idiot then he guessed his life was worth it. "night Merlin..."

**THE END**

**Well then another finished (long one shot-short story thingy...)Anyways I finished!**

**Thank you guys for the favorites and fallows!**


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